I woke up, before the rest of the house this morning. I swear John and I take turns without saying so, it just happens. The skies are grey and swirling a bit. Our wind chimes are dancing out melodies non-stop and the rains washed away almost all of the snow that we had gotten for seasonal cheer.
And I absolutely love how nature prepares me for what I need to write.
All that rain would seem to be exactly what was needed. A really good rain to wash away the debris of the year we are ending. And make no mistake, there is a heavy and harsh ending happening in this time. This entire year has been a massive process of putting a stop to whatever hasn't served us. This is something I have written about nonstop, the idea of letting go of what doesn't do us any service of good. The thing is, is that there is always something to let go of as it's never ending, this life, these lessons.
So here comes the rains again to wash away the muck of the nonsense we're leaving behind. Feels good too, doesn't it? Probably because in this year, real work was done by so many. Not just ‘lovey and lighty’ talk about how things are 'manifesting on their own because we all know the secret'. (Insert laughter and groans)
This is thinking that keeps us trapped and still waiting for someone to save us, or 'something' always outside of ourselves. Those running the gambit of never acknowledging their darkness run the risk of being consumed by that which they weren't keeping in check.
And the thing of it all is that there is no 'extinguishing the dark'. There is only amalgamation of the two. There is only acceptance, love and forgiveness. Matched with understanding, compassion and an ability to truly be present for yourself.
And so the rains come. With their watery emotions and their harsh winds of change; refreshing winds. Rains that know a time for a frozen world that forces us to stop and reflect by gazing into the icy mirrors of our world. But oh that icy reflection! That reflection who shows us who we are and what we are capable of both for the greater good and the good of ourselves with no thought to anything outside of that. I sat with that mirror. I liked what I saw to some extent and yet still, after all of the work I have done and all that I have accomplished in my work, I still had a nagging about certain things and in that moment I realized that I always will.
Every year I sit with myself a little more comfortably. Every year I feel a pull to thrust off the remnants of the shackles or masks that have been adorning my being for however long and placed by everyone I allowed to do so in my travels.
This year I saw the shackles as if they were physically tied down to me. Imagine a rope tied to them and leading around and back to someone holding the end of the string. Can you imagine who holds the string as we cry out in pain and suffering? Can you imagine who we are kicking and screaming at, as we desperately attempt to rip off the masks and tear ourselves out of the locked bars and cuffed shackles of iron?
I followed the line, I followed the path, I held onto the rope and I looked hard at what I saw at the end of it. Disbelief, shock, horror at my own oversight. It's so easy to point a finger and blame someone else for causing us harm, sabotaging our happiness and ruining our day. But it's no one outside of ourselves that we can blame.
And I have argued this point for several years now with thoughts and arguments that fully make sense. But again, I wasn't really looking before this year. And that knowledge excites me for where I will be as I write next year at this time and what revelations I will stumble across in my adventures.
But it's all been in my reactions.
This year I showed myself a new way by repeating mistakes very poorly, quite obviously and to my own detriment. Lashing out and crying foul without realizing, it's all in my own hands.
So I tried a new way. Looking at how everything actually made me feel and where those feelings were born out of. Fear, regrets, a sense of lacking, unworthiness, unforgiving, cruel and unaccepting judgments of self. All these feelings about myself from what I heard growing up. Without blaming anyone for their transgressions. I believed those lies, I don't even care who told them to me anymore.
So, when there was some sort of situation to challenge me, I gave into each accusation as if they were true because deep down the small child in me believed these things to be true. And I nurtured all of these feelings and when someone attacked me, it was no attack, they were showing me what I thought of myself quite deeply done in the recesses of who I am. They were repeating the signals I sent out. And therein lies the rub. I believed everything and I was cruel to myself as I processed it all. So hard on myself to be better and to stop a vicious circle of reacting. Why was I not stronger?
That's when I began to stop playing the game against myself. I still heard (and to this day hear) the whispers and they turned into comedies and sad attempts to seek out my attention that I wasn't interested in. And then I stopped looking for the nonsense altogether. Why look? Why call it to me? Why torture myself with someone else's sickness because of their own lack of self-reflection? Oh my gawd, I can just let go! I I really had no concept of this until recently. Just letting go and not holding on. Not fighting back. Not feeling the need to fight or fly, no care to defend. It was like a million evil little bullets suddenly turned into paper airplanes and then it rained down hard on them and the biodegrading of it all began. True nurturing of my own soils.
It was in that moment I freed myself from 'them'. The demons and monsters that I was purposefully attracting to myself. That which I felt I deserved. The outside nonsense, the ones not right with themselves, no longer my problem, no matter how much they tried. And as I read it all back it seems as if this were some sort of easy task but no, nothing comes to me easy because if it did it would be a trap or faulty. Nothing in this life that is worth anything, comes easy. There would be no lessons or blessings in that.
So once I took it all away from them, I was left with only me. And I was the worst trespasser of all. None of what anyone was doing from the outside would get to me if I was right with myself, now would it?
I began to react less to the things that were happening outside of myself. I stopped wanting to reason with anything that didn't understand and I stopped trying to prove myself. As I began to really put this lack of reaction into play I no longer saw anything that needed my attention and when I heard about certain situations that once made me want to lash out verbally and with so much emotion, I was left with nothing. Perhaps an observation but it had no emotional attachment to any of it.
Seeing myself at work I was able to take away from the drama that was being created and basically not even taking any of it on. Observing instead of getting involved is a very new concept to me, no matter how much I know, learn and understand. It was always important for me to protect and defend myself. Now I see how to protect is not in the defence at all. I was no longer blind to what I was doing to myself and therefore could no longer perpetuate the crimes committed against myself by myself. That's right, I'm nobody's victim but my own. None of the hurt flung my way was from anyone but myself, my own demons and my own hurtful beliefs of who I thought I was. Because if I didn't believe it to be true on some level, then I would not be so hurt by it, now would I?
And now it's time to understand what it really means to love myself. To no longer be a victim of the old processes I have learned in this life. To heal the damage I am doing that was born out of my own old paradigm. Each day and cycle it becomes easier for me. Where I would attract one or two types of people into our lives that isn't happening anymore. I find myself projecting for one type of being now and that is what I am blessed with. No more vampires to feed except my own. To some that might sound dark but the rains washed away all of the untruths I was holding onto and I am left with only the truth of it all. And I still have my leeches that suck off of my source. I am still and always will be coming into my own. I don't want to just fix me. I don't see a time where I will be some perfect being. I embrace my flaws and faults and learn from them. I find new ways to repeat my mistakes. I apparently like to fool myself into thinking I've handled certain issues, when really, I only put different masks on them and called them by a new name.
You see sometimes I think I have absolutely gotten it! I win! But it's just a case of flying too close to the Sun in my prideful joy of conquering another monster without realizing the biggest has always been in me.
Everything I have been working towards for so many years is coming to a beautiful head. I'm less afraid than I have ever been. And oh how I would lie about my fears. Too tough for my own good, but this year has taught me the beauty of my own fragility. The healing I have gained from a year of tears. This year of begging myself to stop. Because for everyone I was lashing out towards it was always all in me.
And don't worry, I saw your reflections too. I see you do the same. I see how you want to cry out and hurt those that you feel are responsible for your pain but it's not theirs any longer, it's yours and it has been for some time. Come clean with yourself. Wash it all away like the rains have. Stop allowing yourself to sabotage your own happiness and realize that it is in you control as funny as that word may seem.
So, do you blame or do you see the three fingers pointing in when you've got the one, lonely finger pointing out? Do you finally see? Isn't it freeing? Or will you lock the cage for another year and swallow the key while continuing to blame everyone else for your woes?
It’s time to let go.
Author: Cari-Lee Miller
Understand this, dear reader:
This blog space is like a diary to which consent for my writings/feelings/expressions, is never needed or asked for. This is my space and if it brings you uncomfortable feelings, feel free to look no further and keep to the spaces that do you no harm.
I am a seed burst forth from its shell. I have mingled and fought in the dirt. I am ready to kiss the Sun. *CLM
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