(because alchemy means a whole host of transformations)
A couple of years ago, 4 maybe, I needed monsters to fight. But without understanding it at the time, the monster was me or rather heaps of my own unresolved issues.
I'd see something wrong, deceptive or harmful and attack whatever it was to expose it. In my life now, when confronted by such transgressions I find the reasons for it all and just allow it to come and go without a need to expose. It's no longer mine.
Now, back when I was at war with it all, I was not being deceptive or destructive, that's not what was within myself that I was struggling with. It was the feelings that I was holding onto for every harm done to me, by myself or others. It was all the unforgiving ways that I couldn't let go of my own mistakes and transgressions. I refused to forgive myself. I was holding onto it all and boy, was I punishing myself and others along the way.
When you see someone do something and you go out on the attack, it's because you are still fighting something inside of you that you want to attack and destroy. Or more so you want to attack and destroy 'yourself' through a scapegoat of sorts.
While reading over both my North and South nodes of my natal chart the other night I was overcome by understanding and realized what it was I have been letting go of these last three years and why this year I have been so mellow and uncaring in comparison to the last seasons of strife and a need to defend.
There were times from childhood into my teenage years that I was less than honest due to my circumstances. I didn't want to be in my situation so I would many times exaggerate my truths to not feel superior but just to feel normal or accepted. I didn't want to be looked down on as someone to be pitied, with no family, no home, no money and material wealth so I faked an awful lot. I never claimed anything as my own that wasn't, but I still stretched the truth so that I would like the words about myself that I was saying. I never felt like I was enough 'as is' back then.
I never lied to cause harm to someone else. I never took away another's gifts and claimed them for myself. It was my own sense of lacking that I felt lost enough to disparage my own spirit, talent and gifts. Back then I was lost as to what they were.
I just wanted to be enough. I never felt I was.
Then in my early twenties, I began to transform my self-awareness. I settled in the beginning for less than my worth and learned the very hard way my own value and from that moment on I grew stronger in my own character and integrity.
In my mid-twenties I became a mother and.my whole world changed fully. Integrity was my lantern and I refused to hold myself to less than my potential. In the next decade, I fell apart and reconstructed myself in a very real struggle of self-awareness and denial over and over again.
As I did my gifts began to overflow from me but I still hadn't performed my most important ritual for myself: the act of self-forgiveness.
I was holding onto contempt for every lie I told out of lacking. Each broken promise, exaggeration, slight of hand, and all of the smoke and mirrors I threw around to hide my own feelings of unworthiness and lacking. I was mad at myself, disgusted by my own behaviours. How could I be that way to myself, to others?
The Warrior within some of us wants to conquer, defeat and destroy its enemy and sometimes the enemy is within. Not for the sake of war but because there is such a lacking of peace.
So instead of healing myself and forgiving the 'me' that was so lost, afraid of rejection and exposure, I attracted those types of people or worse to be at my side as I unknowingly prepared for a spiritual war within.
That's exactly it, no matter how much we might argue that it's all outside of us. It is not outside of us. Our issues are within ourselves. I know this from the rawest and most transparently real experiences that I put myself through.
I started to deflect by supporting others and lifting them instead of myself.
How do we do this?
When we choose to get lost in other people's problems and issues.
When we see someone standing tall and strong and we get behind them edging them along and upwards while neglecting our own brilliance.
When we praise someone without giving our own selves a second glance.
When we put someone up onto a pedestal as a hero, it's because we need a hero still and we're not finding that for ourselves, within ourselves.
Then all suddenly those things I had not forgiven in myself manifested in my world one hundred fold. So much worse than my own transgressions but because mine had festered so very infectiously, I was at war with the most hideous of combatants that could match my own hostility of self. My monsters on the inside manifested on the outside and they were hideous and still are, though they are no longer mine.
Sooner or later your warrior within becomes tired of the battle. For some, this may never happen but for me, I found that I walked off of the battlefield and knelt down to gather the many versions of my life that I was warring with. It took the last few years to forgive myself for my lesser behaviours and understand my sometimes horrible choices. Not to condone, but to actively, lovingly and compassionately understand and forgive myself for yesteryear's poor choices.
Suddenly, the monsters that attacked became yippy little dogs, then chirpy birds, now they are barely fleas or flies because the irritations are so much less than the itch of a flea.
I'm able to stand back in awe of the 'why' of people's behaviours without having reactions. It comes down to their own fears and feelings of lacking and little self-worth or willingness to be themselves. I learned this from deep within. I've made it my mission to understand who I am, why I behave as I do and lovingly change through deep workings and lots of compassion for that which I did not know and have now learned.
The bottom line here is that only you can be the monster of destruction and only you can be your own hero.
I'm sharing a very real and personal truth so that you understand that it is safe to do so as well. It's ok to let go of the judgement you are holding onto about your older self. It's ok to forgive yourself so that you can move forward in your own integrity and truth.
Am I embarrassed to share such truths so transparently? I understand that anyone who judges me and my truth is hung up in and on their own.
We all have a choice on how to react to it all in this life.
Choose wisely because 'change', it's an inside job...
Author: Cari-Lee Miller
Understand this, dear reader:
This blog space is like a diary to which consent for my writings/feelings/expressions, is never needed or asked for. This is my space and if it brings you uncomfortable feelings, feel free to look no further and keep to the spaces that do you no harm.
I am a seed burst forth from its shell. I have mingled and fought in the dirt. I am ready to kiss the Sun. *CLM
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