A year ago today, one of the sweetest, kindest, most intelligent friends I have ever known and had the honor of worked with, left this mortal realm in search of his peace, his rest and his ultimate healing.
Dear friends and good people,
This week I've been struggling with the anniversary of the loss of someone I loved and respected greatly.
I'm no stranger to Death. I said goodbye to my father's grandmother when I was 5. Watched my mother reel from the loss of her very best friend when I was between 6 and 7. I lost my dear Baba when I was 8 and I can still hear my wailings through the walls of St Kevin's Catholic Church.
I could go on, because it didn't just end there but there's just no need. My point is that Death and I grew very close. When I was 29 he even claimed me for a moment but I struck a bargain I suppose and here I am.
After my father left this world my eyes were opened in ways I had never experienced before. I'd said goodbye to past lovers and friends, all of my grandparents and none of them set me free, they just hurt immeasurable. Dad changed that.
Last March a friend I had met on Facebook through my internet radio show came to me and told me it was his time. I reacted like I was 8 again. I begged him to stay. I poured massive puddles of tears for him as I drove to my spot along the canal and left him voice messages, begging him not to go. We'd known each other just shy of a decade, interviewed one another, talked and shared for hours at a time and for years but we never got to hug. He was supposed to come stay in these Wee Woods for a while, we'd had a plan...
I guess midway through my selfish tantrum, I heard him. I heard his pain, his suffering and his truth. I couldn't possibly ask him to stay and I had to let go and say goodbye.
I'd never been given that opportunity before. Not like this. So I honoured him, I told him I loved him and I let go.
It was a year ago this week that Liam took his life after a battle I cannot fathom. He asked that we share his legacy, his work and him to whoever we could and so I have. We all have, all of his friends and he had many good and whole humans who loved him so very much. Some of us have grown closer to each other because he set us up as he fell away. 'You need each other' or 'They could learn from you' or something else to put two people in the same path for the best reasons with the most pure intent.
He was my Gemini brother who teased me horribly and loved me without condition. We worked well together, grew in ways, together and confided deep truth to one another. We didn't always agree, I was a monogamous wolf and he dreaded the thought, finding monogamy very anti-human nature. I always argued that it depended on the humans. That we were both right. Some of us us mated blissfully for life and some of us should never even attempt it. In these conversations that were some of our last, we both dove deeper into the why's of human interaction, love, lust, behavior and consequences than I had ever before. In the end he told me how my relationship with my husband was very rare and wonderful and that he agreed; some of us could be wolves and mate for life.
After Liam left us, my life changed quite a bit but nothing so drastic as finally meeting someone who would become my person, my equal, my best female friend that I could ever ask for. I had spoken to Liam about how I had yearned for such a connection but that I felt I was always repeating my mother wound to the point where I just shut off the desire to even try. He knew, he'd listened, he'd counselled me and told me to never give up faith that I'd heal this part of me and be ready for true friendship when I did.
It was just after he died that someone I now consider my best friend walked into my kitchen to purchace some salve. She and I have been close ever since. Now I'm not saying he had a hand in any of that but on the day he past, she read between the blurred lines of my writings that morning and just let me be instead of picking up her order. She gave me my space and allowed me my time. I'd never been given that before by inmediate 'friends' nevermind a virtual stranger. I don't know if they were convinced I was unbreakable and could take anything dished out to me or assumed that I'd set anything aside for the sake of others or if they simply just never truly cared about anything other than what they could take from me, energy, time, peace, whatever. All I knew was that I was a mess of pain and she saw this and felt compassion enough to suffer a little more with her skin issues and let me be to heal or just 'be'.
So I lost a friend that I could not touch but felt a love so deeply for and moments later I would gain a friend who would always hug me hard and kick my ass in tandem. It wasn't a trade off. It was one of life's mysteriously timed gifts and for me the two correspond symbolically. She'd say that she knows I work on symbols but sometimes things just are what they are and that's enough.
This post is probably all over the map and very deep for morning wading but it's all I have.
I miss my friend Liam more often than not and I share him constantly with many. I'm lucky to have our voices recorded together to listen to. I'm lucky to be able to go to YouTube and watch him talk nonsense, fun and truth. We're all so lucky for all of the gifts he left us and he left us so very much.
If you've never heard of our friend Liam Scheff, please look him up. Purchase his books, watch his YouTube works and share them with your friends.
For now I'll leave you with this beautiful tribute that moved me to tears and made my heart lighter because our values were so much the same. We were kin and I loved him so...even if we'd never actually physically hugged, as Geminis, our embrace came with our words.
To everyone who takes the time to read my words, please stop for a moment and listen to your own inner reactions to everything I have shared and know that I wouldn't unless I felt it absolutely necessary. I share with purpose and with the deepest gratitude and love.
Author: Cari-Lee Miller
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This blog space is like a diary to which consent for my writings/feelings/expressions, is never needed or asked for. This is my space and if it brings you uncomfortable feelings, feel free to look no further and keep to the spaces that do you no harm.
I am a seed burst forth from its shell. I have mingled and fought in the dirt. I am ready to kiss the Sun. *CLM
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Your medicine is in the woods.
Your pharmacy is in your kitchen.