Have you been reflecting?
I have. The strength and wisdom of the Oak and the purification and cleansing on the Cedar helped me. Standing between the two, I drew strength and knowing.
The last Mercury Retrograde along with other planetary alignments made reflection a broader experience from my chosen point of view. I utilized what was given to me and ran with it as is the rule of thumb where I'm concerned.
I've been digging deeply into the archives of me to see how far I've come and measure an assumption of how far I'd like to go as I continually move forward.
It's been a crazy ride. Since 2008 I have lived every dream I have had to fruition. I wanted to do alternative radio, I did a little internet radio show called Lifting the Veil for 4 years and I loved it until I hated it 😂
I wanted to create a documentary focusing on solutions in the same vein that I had created my show. I just listen back to the conversation I'd had with my then editor (back then I recorded everything...I mean everything) where I read to him my ideas for the documentary that I had written onto a coffee stained diner napkin. Problems are a'plenty, we can all complain but to work on solutions, although sometimes veering a bit 'out there' was incredibly fulfilling. I'll never forget our mutual excitement. But hearing it in my voice as I shared my vision made butterflies swoop through my stomach again. I didn't just have the idea, I birthed it!
So with the help of incredibly talented past guests, my vision and narration matched with a talented video editor's time and effort the documentary was completed and by all accounts a success in its own right.
I wanted to travel and build community and so we worked towards that. It didn't happen the way we had hoped but the lessons were great and many and regrets are very few. Our lessons make the regrets lesser because we won't repeat certain choices due to wisdom gained from hardships struggled through.
Then everything fell away. I began to let conspiracy engulf me and grew increasingly untrusting with good reason. I was offered money, I was offered syndication, I was asked to walk away from people I was loyal to. None of it felt right. When I refused, my ideas were stolen, my visions of what I wanted for my shows and my works were tampered with and I lost interest in it all. Certain characters that hung around wanted what I had achieved without doing any of the work while still using me in the process. The worst or best part is I let them. I gave freely because I wanted to see others achieve what I had and to support them as I had been supported. But the rub in all of this was that none of them were me. I had been expecting others to treat me the way I was treating them. You know, as we were taught. The thing is, you can't covet what you never had within you in the first place. Ehn...let them have. I did what I needed to and was done with it all. 'Take my worn out ball that bounced only for me and enjoy whatever bounce is left in it.' I personally think it all turned ugly so I would just leave it all without regret which is what happened.
This wasn't for me. I needed to walk away but instead I ripped it all apart at the seams and threw it all away to really be done with it. If you want to cross a bridge that you never want to cross again, you burn it to cinders.
And that's when I found myself and my family camping for 10 months.
In the middle of this time I found me. The real me hiding under all the uncertainty, confusion and anger. The little girl tending to wounds with dandelion milk, no more than 4 or 5 years old, woken up by the plant world. Woken up by something very old inside of me. Initiated by a teacher, sister and friend who then sent me on my way. I have had many such teachers in my life who have guided me softly or pushed me hard. Both methods appreciated. Some will stab you in the back to learn your lessons where others go right for your heart. Either way you learn to adapt and thrive.
Don't ever let someone squash your dreams or make you feel small so they can feel big. I've fed mouths that have spit in my face and still I have no regrets.
Don't deny yourself your dreams for fear of failure. I've failed, succeeded, lost big time, won more times than I can count and can say that I did things that I feared and succeeded! I went places I dreamed of and loved it and hated it but learned from it all. How can I regret taking such amazing chances? I can't.
Since that time I have not looked back other to make sure I've healed the wounds that brought me to this point. Not all are properly mended. Some people will tell you that you just 'get over' things but that's never true and it's why most people drink. True story. It's why I used to; in order to suppress.
It's taken me 10 years to get to this place right now. It's taken me a lifetime to get here at all.
I have no resolutions to make. I live my resolve daily. I live how I wish to live and I follow symbols and signs which others say is crazy and I'm ok with that. Mundane and normal or sane would kill me.
I'm living my truth.
I'm living my ceremonies and walking them with purpose in each step that I take.
I regret nothing. I'm thankful for it all.
Guess you'll have to wait and see.
Now what's in store for you?
Author: Cari-Lee Miller
Understand this, dear reader:
This blog space is like a diary to which consent for my writings/feelings/expressions, is never needed or asked for. This is my space and if it brings you uncomfortable feelings, feel free to look no further and keep to the spaces that do you no harm.
I am a seed burst forth from its shell. I have mingled and fought in the dirt. I am ready to kiss the Sun. *CLM
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