Warning: This blog post may be triggering for many. I wish no one harm but I will not pretend to be or feel anything other than who I am and how I feel.
I was able to catch a slight glimpse of the Sun this morning before he hid back away in the clouds. Small gifts. That's exactly how life feels at times...only able to catch a glimpse of the bright spots.
Today would have been the birthday of a dear friend and colleague. I have nothing to say, which means I have so much to say. I just miss him. We all miss him.
Instead of talking about my sadness, I'm going to share what I'm doing to get through it. Funny thing though, I'll most definitely end up talking about my sadness.
Today, so long as the rain holds off, I'm going to hand-till our gardens. Two of the rototillers we could be using are not working, so, I'm going to do it by hand. I felt like I should have been doing this weeks ago, while the Sun was in Taurus but kept putting it off for a machine to do the work for me. Silly me, thinking I should not listen to my own instincts. Yea, I still do that sometimes. So, into my gardens I will go with a rake and a shovel and I will turn the soil by hand, and it will inevitably hurt, and I will inevitably cry. Not because of the pain, but because of my heart, because today I garden for my friend.
I could wait to do this, the weather isn't as optimal as I'd like it to be and there would be absolutely no harm in planting in the first weeks of June. I've done it before, I'll probably do it again. The New Moon is in Gemini on the 25th, and this day will be about beginnings and so, I will prepare the soils by hand today and let go of the rest of what I've been holding onto in my work.
Death has been bringing things up inside of me that I didn't realise or thought was much more calmed than they are. Watching others talk about things they couldn't possibly understand with such judgements is ripping my heart in two.
Those people who think they are so very much above the suffering others endure. Those who think that addiction is some sort of choice that can be avoided. These people have no idea how real pain can be or how far down it can drag you. These people do not understand how doctors are viewed as gods with all of the answers. False gods with false remedies and the lack of compassion from those casting judgements have my stomach hot and churning with anger as I can feel the bile rise up in my anguish and disgust.
I am tired of this narcissistic society that views the weaknesses of others as some sort of gain for themselves and a chance to mock and banter about in a world they know nothing of. A society that thinks that their view is the only view to be had. They who covets those they wish they were like, that steal from the hard works of the innocent helpers that they always went running to in their times of need. Those they begged help and aide from. Those that leeched and stole every good idea that ever was, all the while pretending that they are the true inventors of the wheel.
I am tired of a society that points their fingers out at everyone else as 'crazy' because they make excuses for the insanity they choose over a more natural and wholesome way. It's all we've got, right? The idea of a society built on madness and hoarding. A society built on narcissism and greed. A society built from genocide and slaughter. Let's celebrate civilisation and all of it's bloody hells that have been brought with it. Lets bathe in the blood of all those murdered to live in this toxic environment that is the world in turmoil where the rich get richer and the poor can barely breathe.
I am tired, so very tired.
This never means that I will give up, but I might hide away, in my dirt, in my gardens, in my caves and caverns within myself. I will take this day to mourn my friend and honour his spirit, his truth and his wisdom. I might listen to his voice again, paired with my own and remember the days that we were so certain that we would make a huge and lasting change, only to realise that the only changes we were making the most headway with were our own.
I don't pretend to be perfect or to be right or wise. But I am me and in all of my flaws I will continually be real no matter who that terrifies or disgusts.
I watched a good man get torn down over the weekend. Through all of the struggles and plights and brutal attacks no one sees his goodness. They only want to believe the lies dressed up in pretty packages being offered by a filthy and sick mouth and mind. A man who has stepped into the most difficult rolls of his life and succeeds every single day yet is always expected to do and be more. To always be the bigger person. The one without any reaction to the negativity always being thrown. The one who plays more rolls than I ever though humanly possible and yet there he is, still going, still doing. I listened to him break down last night as my husband and I did our best to console him because we see it, his struggles and his pain. we hear it in his voice. We see his efforts in all that he does. And yet still there are those which make him jump through hoops t prove himself while the fake, facades run around like they are the real deal. I'll never understand how we, as a society raise up the psychopaths instead of the good people.
I watched a child tells horrifying lies and cause immeasurable amounts of abuse. But to others who don't wont to look deeper, they will brush it all of as normal, "age appropriate behaviour" when they are anything but normal and their behaviours are all too concerning. I watched as their parents struggled and did their very best and that their best never seemed to be enough. I watched as this child abused their family over and over again no matter what love they were given continually, what compassion and understanding they were shown. The only reprisal to be offered is that they are society's product and that they will have to inevitably 'figure it out for themselves' or be drugged, like the rest. Or perhaps the parents should drug themselves to get through it all without really caring. Along with the judgemental accusations of those who cannot believe that someone so young could commit such abuses, and it must be everyone else that contributed to the behaviour. I have watched, and I have patiently waited for some sort of help to come to them, but there is no help, only enabling of continual bad behaviour reinforcement.
I watch as victims get called predators and how the predators swarm like locusts onto crops they never tended to while destroying their victims so that they never have to internally destroy themselves to renew in a better way. I watch, I separate myself and I lament it all.
Today I am sad. Today I am wondering when good will prevail. I am wondering when it is that honesty will be the best policy. I am wondering when accountability will ever be the way to attain true progress and when we will stand in our own shit until we fertilise a new a better way instead of forcing everyone else to fester in it all.
And this is the way I honour my friend. By being honest and speaking the truth out loud.
Today I am not ok. Today I wish to be alone. Today I wish to bury myself in the soils and forget the ways of this world and it's dark past that we pretend is some kind of joyful celebration of a wondrous civilisation.
Today I am tired of trying, working so hard to free myself from the shackles I've locked tightly to my own neck as well as those I was conditioned to accept. Today I wish for a different way that doesn't seem to exist no matter how diligently I seem to work at making it so.
So forgive me for not being pleasant and reassuring this morning. Forgive my need to be real, to be present and to indulge myself in the feelings and realities I feel and face.
I cannot be the voice of light and love and joys because this life is just not made up that alone! I only know balance!
Today I am angry and sad and I can feel and hear the world crying out for some sort of solace we are just not allowed to feel.
Today I wish to be one with the Earth, the Sky, the Stars and Sun. I wish for so many things.
Goodbye sweet Prince of investigative truth and harsh honesty. I miss you so.
Author: Cari-Lee Miller
Understand this, dear reader:
This blog space is like a diary to which consent for my writings/feelings/expressions, is never needed or asked for. This is my space and if it brings you uncomfortable feelings, feel free to look no further and keep to the spaces that do you no harm.
I am a seed burst forth from its shell. I have mingled and fought in the dirt. I am ready to kiss the Sun. *CLM
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