For as many years as I can draw from, I have experienced a very active dream life. Whether it be dreams or nightmares, both have been very powerful forces in my life. Both have taught me and both have left me reeling happily or in sadness, excitement or fear.
This morning I woke from one such nightmare. As my eyes opened I realized I had cried myself awake. I sat up, stretched and began my day with the dream right there, at the forefront, so painful and so harsh. Suddenly the words in the above meme came to me.
Waking up from nightmares, both in dream time and reality,
I have had nightmares that have left me emotionally crippled for anywhere from hours to an entire day. Some of them have been so very real. There have been times that I have woken up after past events has replayed themselves out within the dreamscape that I wanted left in the recesses of my mind. Things I have never ever wanted to relive.
This morning was one of the moments I didn't want to relive. This morning I was left with several feelings that were very uncomfortable and for the first time, it was ok. This morning I realized that although this may be what things once were in my life, I survived those times and grew. I didn't allow the way I was harmed to harm others. I haven't become the monsters I have been fighting, avoiding and rebuking in my life. I survived, I always do.
No matter the monster set before me, I have survived. No matter the poisons I have ingested, I have healed. No matter the pain, the suffering, at my own hands and others, I have not given up or in.
There were times where I would allow the past that haunts me in my dreams to ruin my days. Not this day. This day I gain power from it. This day I realize how strong I have been and that I continue to grow in this strength and knowing.
Yesterday, after months of serious workings within myself, after the death of my father, the reality of life and death and everything in between, I had this moment of absolute clarity and this incredibly profound thought came to me. (profound to me)
I get nostalgia and reality confused at times. What are the feelings from childhood that do not serve me and allow me to face reality? What am I triggered by that allows me to set my instincts aside, that allows me to forget that which I should remember and heed?
This might not be a big deal for others, but for me, it's priceless. I recently realized, in the emotional upheaval that entered my life as a teacher and guide, that I allow and enable the bad behavior of others and myself out of a sort of nostalgia for others I have loved deeply in my life. That might sound like it's a bit far reaching but within my psyche I have searched and I know it to be true.
It's been time for me to let go of this illusion that perhaps the child within created so long ago so as to protect me from the truth of it all that another version of that same child has been protecting me from. My Sun is in Gemini after all!
This isn't some major revelation that leads me to perfection, or to the grande answers in this life. It is definitely part of the path to discovery and letting go. To allowing myself to fully heal. I haven't healed, I haven't allowed myself to look at certain wounds. I allowed myself to be distracted, to be 'busied' by situations that have not mattered in order to avoid certain pains, certain truths, certain little and great deaths that needed to happen or that were already happening. Those dying things I kept on life-support that served no one.
And so it was this morning I realized, that I am not in the nightmare any longer. That I have to look deeply into the eyes of all monsters, succubus, NightMares, and ghouls, both created by self, invited in, or disguised as comrades armed with lessons, that I have survived. I am a survivor, I have not lost, I have changed my stars, broken the vicious cycles and that I have arrived for myself in this life.
I think it only appropriate to end this with a quote from the movie Labyrinth.
In the meantime...remember, you are not your nightmares. You are a survivor and they remind you of that.
Author: Cari-Lee Miller
Understand this, dear reader:
This blog space is like a diary to which consent for my writings/feelings/expressions, is never needed or asked for. This is my space and if it brings you uncomfortable feelings, feel free to look no further and keep to the spaces that do you no harm.
I am a seed burst forth from its shell. I have mingled and fought in the dirt. I am ready to kiss the Sun. *CLM
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