Do you pay attention to the sounds, symbols and signs around you? Do you see that there is so much more here than these mundane lives we tend to live out?
I'm quite sure many who read these blog postings are the kinds who see a much bigger landscape behind the focal point of our lives. I write this for myself and I write this for you.
Things have been a bit tense to say the very least. I will never act like my life is some kind of perfectly orchestrated symphony of bliss. It's more like a trash can orchestra of chance and feral cats screeching in the night. Through the last few weeks of bein in a very deep personal hell of sorts, I've seen signs and symbols being left graciously for me by Nature. From the dragonfly last week that reminded me that I do not walk alone, that I am forever protected by my ancestors, to the events in a walk through the woods the other day, I have never been alone, or left in wanting. The only thing I have had to remember to do was to stop, look, listen and be still for long enough to be able to hear and see, sense and feel what is always right in front of my face. I even received an actual, physical message reminding me of this before I went into meditation for a clearing I entered into last night.
This life is magic, don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
I've been in an uncomfortable space within myself and without myself. Events transpiring out of my control have been driving a spike through my spirit that has me reflecting deeply on this life and my purpose here. It's not just events outside of me. It's a culmination of life lessons bringing me to this point. I've shut down an awful lot in ways that have been healthy for me but uncomfortable for others. I usually share everything with my closest loves. This time, I'm holding my cards a bit closer to my chest than I normally do. I'm taking full responsibility of how I'm coping.
I find myself able to be there for my daughter in the morning, my son as well and through the day as we go about our homeschooling/unschooling routines which are so important to keep. Then I find that I have next to nothing left for my husband when he comes home. I've been doing my best, I communicate with him all the ways that I am trying and all the ways I am feeling as I try to sort myself out, but it's not always enough for him or for me. He's someone who wants to fix things and when he sees me breaking and can't do anything to help me, he feels defeated and beside himself which isn't a good way to feel, especially as a man who wants to protect his family and 'fix things' for us. It's what they do and what they know: how to fix things.
I recently told him that I don't want to be fixed and that he couldn't even if he tried, so he needs to let me work it all out for myself. It's difficult to watch the one you love falling apart and trying to manage putting their own pieces back together. It's not a simple task when you love someone, to watch them suffer and struggle, knowing that they deserve better and shouldn't have to face certain things alone. At the same time, each of us is alone and our struggles are ours. We can only do so much and we can only expect so much from others in these times. Isn't it all just a little bit twisted?
I also don't see that I need to 'be fixed'. I'm really suddenly ok with everything and about the way I go through things. I know that every time I go through something difficult and ripping, that I come out of it all stronger and more resilient that I went into it. It's part of the process. I don't need to be fixed, I just need to go through it as I can and with the quiet support of the ones I love. No forcing of the 'happy' feels that everyone is more comfortable with. It's not that I was being mean, just closed and quiet which is just not me in my best way but it is still me. I am not faulty when I am sad and in repair. You are not faulty when you are sad and in repair.
I found myself giving all of the good stuff to my children and leaving very little for him, the rest reserved for me as I try to maneuver through my own reconstructions. I never stopped loving him or communicating with him, but I did shut down in many ways that are little things but each little thing grew into one big thing and he felt like he was not needed and obsolete. I used to expect him to pick me up and hold me until I healed or as I healed and now my attitude had completely changed. After a big realization shared with a friend, I found that I was worshipping at the wrong altar. I was expecting him to pick me up. How unfair!!! The truth is I needed to be picking myself up, not relying on him to do this for me. Drastic measures taken and unsure of myself and he of himself in these new waters we were wading in, trouble found us and conflict inevitably knocked on our door.
Let's be honest, relationships are not easy. Relationships take time, patience and lots of work. Both on yourself and together as a couple. Sometimes we get lost in it all and sometimes because of this, everything seems to fall apart. We came upon one of these times.
In his fear that he was becoming obsolete, he lashed out to force my need of him. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair but it was what it was and I didn't react kindly to it because I didn't understand or even care to in that moment. I was too busy licking my own wounds and trying to nurture myself into repair as I figure out who it is I am, continually reclaiming my spirit from the source of who I came here to be. He is going through this same process for himself but in a wholly different way. The thing is, we are doing these works. We are real, not pretend facsimiles of a couple we have seen played out on the television or theatre screen. There is no romanticized version of who we think we should be. There's only this raw and real truth of who we actually are. Both wounded in childhood and both doing whatever we can to make sure we don't repeat the trespasses against us. We don't always pass these tests. Sometimes we falter, sometimes we fail for a short time until we regain and refocus and get back up and walk tall again. We are human and we don't pretend that we aren't.
We basically got into a huge fight and I didn't know if we were going to get passed it. I honestly thought that there was just too much up against us and between us and every little thing that could push our buttons was there pushing them with each other and towards each other. Situations I least expected to happen, happened. No affairs or dramas like that, just the way we were acting and speaking to each other. For the first time in 17 years we contemplated walking away from one another. For the first time in our marriage, I truly I thought all was lost for good.
How can you share all of this, Cari?
I am not ashamed of my humanity, my mistakes, my follies or the truth. I am not afraid of his humanity, his mistakes, follies or truth either. I am not afraid to admit that we are not perfect.
Maybe the questions should be, why is everyone else so afraid of showing their true colours? Maybe other people should wonder who it is they are trying to impress when they sit and judge others without admitting who they truly are. Maybe others should stop thinking that the misery or short-comings of others make there issues disappear because that's not the way it works.
Not dealing with your 'stuff' makes it grow and worsen. Burying your issues in my truth only makes your wounds fester as I let mine air out to dry.
Judge me and you're saying more about you.
You want to hide behind the horror of my truth that makes you uncomfortable then you best ask yourself why that is? I don't need to. I get why you judge me instead of worrying about you.
On the third day of the hell we were causing each other I went for my first walk, deep into our wee woods. I've been really cautious about venturing out there because of the ticks. They are the creepiest, most disgusting creatures and I don't want to end up with them latched and feasting on my blood. I think there's been enough metaphorical parasites in my life that I don't need to invite any real ones thanks!
So, on the third day after our marital outburst and breakdown, I sprayed myself down with the oil spray recipe a friend shared with me that's been working really well on the dogs. I made sure that my legs were covered and that socks were over my pants, that my hood was up, that there was no visible point of entry for these nasty little critters. Ugh, my skin crawls just typing about it all. I got over my fear of walking into our woods after I entered the passage way between the cedar and the oak trees. This is a very sacred opening, to have such healing and strength on either side of you as you enter a wooded area. Simply magical and sacred.
Something caught my eye on the ground at the base of the oak tree as I walked through, so I went to investigate. There on the ground was single black feather. Finding a feather is revered as a message in several if not all ancient cultures and this for me was a relief to my heart even not truly understanding what the message was just yet. I proceeded into the woods and crouched low, my eyes fixed on the Forget Me Not's. I couldn't move, I could only be present in the moment and give thanks that I am afforded the knowing to do so without question. Such peace came over me, I cannot describe it well enough. I walked into those woods defeated and so sad, so broken and so alone. I walked out with all of my ancestors at my side, reminding me I am never, ever alone. This is an on-going lesson I am reminded of repeatedly in the last few months: I am not alone. I am the result of a thousand loves, a thousand souls and a thousand memories rushing through my blood.
So what of the feather and what of the flowers?
Finding a Black Feather
Author: Cari-Lee Miller
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This blog space is like a diary to which consent for my writings/feelings/expressions, is never needed or asked for. This is my space and if it brings you uncomfortable feelings, feel free to look no further and keep to the spaces that do you no harm.
I am a seed burst forth from its shell. I have mingled and fought in the dirt. I am ready to kiss the Sun. *CLM
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