* Note: I closed down my old account and opened a new one with very little friends...only the ones I actually communicate with. I need to let others know that I am forever changing but my reasoning is still firm for why I shut down in the first place. :)
Spring Equinox is a few days away. This morning I woke to the beauty of the Sun and the realization that I have changed far too much to stay the same. That if I kept forcing myself into this familiarity, I would surely parish from my roots suffocating and strangling themselves.
So, I woke up this morning, stretched and went out back into what is surely a mud pit of a yard. With my toes in the muck, Sun kissing my forehead, I knelt down and touched the Earth.
I took a moment and remembered all the times I have fallen and all the times I have gotten back up.
Like the leaf that withers and falls from the branch of the tree. It's covered by a frozen world in the Winter, only to become the Earth which is touches. From the Earth and back to it. I shed the things not serving me this Winter. It took the light of the coming Spring to truly see this. There's been a rotten shell covering me and it's time the contents that is me, burst through and kisses the Sun back.
I realized what I've been injecting into my life as 'quick fixes'. Facebook is one of these 'quick fixes' for a few reasons.
Creative bursts of prose and thoughts get put into status updates instead of being explored more freely and openly by myself until they are ready to be shared. why even this article, broken down and pieced apart, was a my last status on the social site. That status, my feelings, thoughts and personal wisdom, deserved more though. So here we are.
I reflected on how many times I've said I was ready to leave and never have, even though my spirit was begging me to. I simply refused to listen.
I've been painting myself into a corner, building a box around myself and limiting so much. In the last year I have shifted from using the site as a positive tool, to using it in a way to suss out the things I no longer resonated with in my life. Funny how we go about things for ourselves in our own personal journeys, isn't it? I needed to get this low in order to climb up and out.
This was never all for not.
The learning value alone of my time on the social site has been priceless.
I started in this space just curious of what it was. I ended up reconnecting with so many people from my past, my youth. This was nice and made for some lovely dinners and catching up with some of the most cherished friends I had when I was a teenager. Until I realized that I was not the person even I thought I was. Once again I felt like I was trying to just 'fit in'.
Then I began to take chances and let strangers into my world from all over the world. I took the opportunity and expanded it for myself in a way I never thought it could be. I broke comfort levels and structures and set out on grand adventures with my family.
Always a rebel, defender of freedoms, and cheerleader for the underdog, I found sense in the many questions I and my partner were asking at the time. We've never followed the rules or went along with society and what we were told. Often I was called an outcast, someone on the fringe of the fringe and sometimes, simply impossible to my own detriment. All because I could not just 'be normal'. Social media showed me (as a late bloomer who never played with MySpace), that I was not alone and that more people were out there that thought and did like I did. My partner and I were not so different from so many others out there. Distance, physical distance, seemed to be the only factor.
This realization for us both was stripping and it made us realize that we no longer had to work so hard to fit into the society we'd been working so ridiculously hard to fit into somehow. Square pegs, man....they don't fit into round hole, they just don't.
We traveled all across Ontario to meet the people who were kin to our thoughts, across provinces in search of our tribe. Often thinking that we might just be transient forever. Everything fell away from us. Our wants, our desires, our beliefs and our conditioning. It all left us. We stripped ourselves from the preconceived notions of who were were supposed to be and remembered who we wanted to be and realized who we were.
I took hold of ME. I tore at the very fabric of who I was and let go of the fallacies of who anyone, including myself, thought I was. Who I was when I began this quest of self is not who I am today. The me of the past wouldn't have the courage to write it all down and put it forward for others. My thoughts were just for me. Only I felt the way I did. No one could ever relate. What a silly girl I was.
Today though, I am not a silly girl. I am strong and resilient. I trust my instincts and I listen to them well. I do not doubt the thoughts I have that move me so strongly. I do not pretend like all is well if it't not. I have reconstructed myself from the bottom up. What I put into my mouth, on my skin, what I breathe, where I shop, what I do in my spare time. Oh that last one...how spare time crept into all life. How Facebook became my morning, noon and night fixes.
Hello my name is Cari and I'm a Facebook addict.
Yes in the end I used this site for the best things no matter positive or negative to the viewer. I did what I needed to in this space to grow to where I am today.
Now, it's not an opportunity to cry 'wolf'. Yes, I have called out that I was leaving before, only to come back after a slight cull of my friend's list. I am not crying wolf. I am the wolf. This wolf is choosing again, that to be lone in this life, in certain ways, is key to her integrity and her happiness.
It's time to embrace Spring. For me it's to start anew.
P.S. I'm Still On The Fringe of the Fringe
And that's a good thing.
I realized that in a group of 'normals' or 'fringe-ers', I'm still the odd one but that's not a fault or something to frown upon. It's just myself and a handful or three of people in this world that really walk their talk in this life. If you're one of those people, banging their head against the proverbial wall trying to figure out why others seem to have no integrity, it's because most just don't. Don't let it permanently discourage you. You'll find your way no matter what. I know I am. The idea that I stopped looking outside of myself for some sort of validation was the key. I know my worth and so do you. Be glad in that. You're a rare breed! Not better than, or more than...just rare and that, is priceless.
Author: Cari-Lee Miller
Understand this, dear reader:
This blog space is like a diary to which consent for my writings/feelings/expressions, is never needed or asked for. This is my space and if it brings you uncomfortable feelings, feel free to look no further and keep to the spaces that do you no harm.
I am a seed burst forth from its shell. I have mingled and fought in the dirt. I am ready to kiss the Sun. *CLM
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Your medicine is in the woods.
Your pharmacy is in your kitchen.